why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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