the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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