Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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