I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
