So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
