I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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