but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
