Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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