That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
