When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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