I murdered the dance floor call the cops
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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