I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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