Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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