My room smells like vodka and shame
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
