I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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