I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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