so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
