so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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