If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
