my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
