I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
