it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just got carded by a ten year old.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
