Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
