i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
