I faked an abortion last night.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
