so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
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I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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