My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
