Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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