dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
