I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
