wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
