Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
