dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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