It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Drunk is not a location!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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