so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
