i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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