Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
