I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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