I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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