He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
