Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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