Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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