I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
