I accidentally burped into my bong.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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