2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
