Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
