So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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