I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
