I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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