the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
