Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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