textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my being single is dangerous.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
