i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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