I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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