remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
