i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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