Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
