I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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