My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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