I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
