she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
